I woke up today with a lot of built up anxiety within me. I wanted to be completely sure that I shouldn't worry about something that happened yesterday. I started running through the memory, asking myself if that really happened/how can I be sure? It was in this moment that I recognized that this is my OCD trying to find another avenue.
I have started ERP, and I can say that it has been so difficult. My anxiety has noticeably increased. Although, when my anxiety increases to an extreme, I aim to give myself some compassion. Every time that I become anxious and redirect my attention, I have made steps in my recovery.
It never ceases to both terrify and amaze me that my thoughts and fears can feel so real. All I want to do in these moments is rationalize with my thoughts, but this is a compulsion. It really is about being comfortable with uncertainty. This concept is a lot easier to understand than to actually feel comfortable with.
I hope that someday I won't have this feeling of urgency. I know, though, that I can't answer that. I'll never be certain. Today, I will not attempt to answer these questions, but instead will bask in the glory of uncertainty... no matter how dangerous that feels to me.